The Things I Thought Were Dark

Inside of me lived all of my life experiences. Experiences of betrayal, pain, suffering, homelessness, abandonment, drug addiction…. along with all the emotions I had birthed from them, feelings of being damaged, unworthy, unwanted, unloved.

A mountain full of painful memories, of physical, mental and emotional pain and suffering. I didn’t want them in my life, I wanted to run away from them. I wanted to escape from them.

So I denied them, I abandoned them. I told them that they shouldn’t be there and to get out. I certainly didn’t love them. I wanted to free myself from them forever.

But like any unloved and abandoned child, they acted out. They had to show me how they felt being abandoned, denied, unloved…. and the more I tried to escape from them, the louder they spoke.

Because the truth was, was that they were a part of me, because they were my feelings, they were my experiences and they were part of the whole that I am.

And because they ARE apart of me… was it really any wonder that I felt their sadness? That I felt their sense of abandonment? Their physical pain and suffering? Was it really any wonder at all?

Was it surprising that their voices became louder? That their pain  suffering grew larger?

And that’s when I finally understood…. all that physical, mental and emotional pain that I had been trying to either fix or run away from…. it wasn’t from my past…. It was coming from the part of me that’s still here, right here right now.

As sure as one births a child, I had created them. But abandoned them because I did not love them, I wanted them to go away. Though the truth is, is that I birthed them, they’re my children. I saw them as imperfect, but perfectly they showed me who they were. I asked their forgiveness and told them how sorry I was for abandoning them.

I will accept them and love them as they are, as one does your own children, I shall not ask them to change, but instead I will accept them for who they are and I will stay with them forever, because I will deny them no longer. Instead, like a child, I will keep it close to me, hold it tight and transform it with my love and light.